Fun but harmful: resentment
Resentment feels great. We are right, we judge, we accuse. We are positive that our point of view is the correct one.
This is not about anger, a quick flare-up when one’s boundaries have been overstepped. A clear “no, not with me!”. Small children already know how to do this, and it’s healthy.
Resentment however is old and keeps repeating itself, going round in circles. As soon as “that again!” or “you always have to…” become part of a conversation, it’s an indication of resentment.
Resentment can be nurtured and kept alive, often over a long period of time, sometimes decades. Letting go? Never! Because we are right. And the other is definitely wrong.
Another sign pointing to resentment. You are so sure about it.
That alone should raise some doubt. Is anything ever sure? But it just feels so good, and that is why we keep doing it. Often for so long that it becomes part of the personality. Who would we be without this resentment? Terrible thought! Something would be missing and we wouldn’t be ourselves any longer.
Or would we?
On the contrary. Holding resentment makes us small. It’s an indication that we are feeling powerless. We are not, but in this one case, it matters to us to keep pointing that out. Whether relating to our partner, our boss, neighbours, race car drivers or one’s parents, politicians or “the system”.
When we feel resentment, we show the world that we are blameless and powerless and helpless. That matters to us.
The only problem is that by resenting, we actually harm ourselves. Even though our intention was to punish, to humiliate and to get justice.
Instead, by resenting, we make our smallness permanent. We hide behind our anger towards someone or something long in the past or not directly connected to us.
Resentment means shooting from the cover knowing with certainty: “me good, you bad”.
So what, one could say. What’s wrong about that? Everything.
Because no matter what we wish for, in this way it will only reach us in small increments. Because we feel small ourselves. Because we insist on our powerlessness.
In order to empower ourselves, I’m sorry to say we will have to learn to let go, worst case, even to forgive.
We have to seize our own power back, because as long as we resent, our power is on the other half of the playing field. Just imagine where all your resentment is distributed, and what it would mean to have all this energy as power at your disposal. Wouldn’t that be great?
If you’re like me, your enthusiasm will be subdued.
So much power! So much pressure to turn it (and me) into something truly wonderful.
But that is not the point.
The point is to become worthy of everything you wish for. Because when you resent, you are not worthy.
That’s a no-brainer, right? Yelling at someone in order for them to grant you your wish? No. Very counterproductive.
Every piece of resentment that you let go of, or that you decide against having in the first place, makes you more relaxed. Turns your dial into the receptive mode. Lets you be open for all the good you long for, but that has kept eluding you for years.
Well, here is your answer.
Get separated from your resentment. Start with the most difficult person first: the ex, your dad, your mom. Everything else will be easier.
Yes it sucks and it’s fucking hard and we resist it so much (I know what I’m talking about). And how is this supposed to work at all?
There is an easy answer to that: by standing up for yourself.
If it’s important enough for you to feel angry about, change it. Talk to the person who has hurt you and tell them what needs to be said. Then let go.
Stand up for youself, for past wrongs but also here and now. Before new resentment can build, stand up for yourself. Say what you think. Change something. Participate.
Or let it go.
If you don’t want to do anything about it, it’s not important enough. So stop being angry about it. It’s not important (you decided).
It’s up to you.
Who resents, decides nothing. He or she is a spectator in their own life. No wonder things don’t get better or seem less than wonderful.
One more time: if it matters to you, stand up for yourself. Past, present, tomorrow. If not, let it go. Never think of it again. Ignore it if it happens again.
If you let go of resentment in favor of action or forgiveness, your quality of life will thrive. Healthier, more loved, richer and more beautiful, that will be you. People will like you more, respect you or disappear from your life.
Let it go. Stand up for yourself. Be happy.